by Ian Sorensen

Though the title to this blog entry may seem like a title to an episode of ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ it is nonetheless the best way I could come up with to express my feelings about two actors/comedians/ Saturday Night Live alumni who have had great success in the world of comedy.

Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell are the only actors I can think of that have their own genres attached to their names. What I mean is this: when Adam Sandler is in a movie that features his particular brand of humor, it is forever known as ‘an Adam Sandler movie.” The same goes for the Funny or Die co-founder Will Ferrell. “The Waterboy,” “Billy Madison,” “Happy Gilmore,” “Big Daddy,” and “Mr. Deeds” are all ‘Adam Sandler Movies.’ In the same vein, “Anchorman,” “Blades of Glory,” “Semi-Pro,” and “Talladega Nights,” are all ‘Will Ferrell Movies.’  These are the only two actors for whom this happens; no one ever calls “National Treasure” a ‘Nicolas Cage Movie’ and no one calls “Sophie’s Choice” a ‘Meryl Streep Movie.’  With these two guys being the exception, actors don’t own their movies; directors do, because directors for the most part leave their mark with the project choices they make. For instance, there’s the Christopher Nolan Movie (dark, mind-bending, suspenseful), the Woody Allen Movie (neurotic, awkwardly funny) and the Michael Bay Movie (CGI-riddled, terrible). 

Here’s the kicker: I’ve only liked Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell in the movies that weren’t Adam Sandler Movies or Will Ferrell Movies (with one exception). 

My favorite film that Adam Sandler has starred in is “Punch Drunk Love,” partially because it wasn’t an Adam Sandler Movie. It was a distinct deviation from all of the films he has done before and since (with the exception of “Spanglish”). Similarly, one of my favorite roles that Will Ferrell took was that of Harold Crick in “Stranger Than Fiction.” The other: Ron Burgundy in “Anchorman,” which remains of the funniest, most ridiculous movies ever made, and the exception I mentioned earlier.

I do concede some points: I have not seen “Semi-Pro” or “Blades of Glory,” which fellow Utility Player Judi stresses I must do. The only reason I liked “Big Daddy” was because of Jon Stewart (that one guy who hosts The Daily Show) and the only reason I liked “Billy Madison” was because of Bradley Whitford (Josh Lyman in “The West Wing”).  It occurs to me that nearly all characters Sandler and Ferrell play are loud but loveable dimwits.

And that’s okay. People find that funny. But for me, it’s like a breath of fresh air when these guys do something completely different from the norm.

And to all persons offended by this blog who consider Sandler and Ferrell to be the funniest people on the planet: when you send me your hate mail, please sign it. I want to know what name to give to the police.

by Ian Sorensen

Writer’s Note: The title of this particular blog, “Twylight?” was originally the title of a Utility Players sketch that was performed eons ago during one of their splendiferous comedy shows. I decided to use it again, because it’s the most clever title I’ve come up with that incisively describes my feelings on the “Twilight” phenomenon. However, since I originally wrote said sketch, it isn’t technically plagiarism. But I always like to cover my bases. God forbid I should end up on some local news fact check program because they thought I stole the title, if only because I can pretty much guarantee they would  spell my name wrong. (It’s Ian SorensEN, not SorensON, RGJ). Anyway, on with the blog.

According to MSN, “Eclipse,” the third installment of the “Twilight” series, opened at midnight last night to a record debut of $30 million.

I’d like to tell you why that disturbs me.

Now, before you get on your high Edward-loving horse, please know that I have seen both of the preceding films in their entirety. I don’t want to be attacked by packs of pre-teens girls (and some boys), foaming at the mouth and calling me an ignorant vampire –hater who hasn’t even seen the films.  I wanted so badly to go on any and all social networking sites and trash them before I saw them, but the phrase “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it” came to mind.  So I got “Twilight” on Netflix and watched “New Moon” at the GSR (which I luckily didn’t have to pay for. It was only, like, three dollars, but it’s the principle of the thing).  Now, having seen the introduction of Bella to Edward and their ensuing complicated love story that inevitably grew into an awkward isosceles love triangle involving a supposedly Native Indian werewolf guy named Jacob who takes off his shirt without the slightest provocation, I can safely say this:

These movies are bad. They’re simply not good movies.

The acting is wooden and uninspired, but that stems directly from the absolutely deplorable script that they had to work with. Let’s be clear here: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are not bad actors. Taylor Lautner most likely is, but I’d have to see him in something completely different to make sure. Stewart played a memorable part in “Into the Wild,” and Pattinson was the doomed Cedric Diggory in a couple of the Harry Potter movies (Sorry, no spoiler alert. He dies. Voldemort kills him. If you don’t know that by now, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog).  Speaking of Harry Potter, it amazes me that Twilight has gained the same amount, if not more, notoriety as the wizard series, seeing as the Harry Potter movies have 1) Excellent Acting, 2) Excellent Writing and 3) Excellent Directing, and the Twilight series has, well, none of these. Also, if the editor of the Twilight films had been vigilant enough to take out all of the awkward pauses, close-ups of Edward looking creepy, and images of Bella sighing heavily, the two-hour-and-then-some screen time could be cut down to a simple hour and a half.

So why is something so bad getting the large amount of attention that it is?

The answer lies not in what Twilight is, but in what it represents.  For one thing, Vampires are a huge fad currently, even those who sparkle when in direct sunlight, instead of historically burning into ash (a change to the vampire lore that I never quite understood, but hey, if Stephanie Meyer wants to reinvent a genre, she’s gotta change somethin’).  Also, the cold, pale embrace of Edward, or the bare-chested furry affection of Jacob holds a certain draw for these fans. Much like the pathetic and boring Bella, many Twilight fans (who may or may not be pathetic or boring) wish they could find love with a forbidden fruit (and I mean fruit in the most homosexual way possible), be he or she vampire, werewolf, or smurf.

Despite all that I have said negatively about the Twilight series, I will still see “Eclipse,” though I fully expect to not enjoy it at all. Why subject myself to such torture? It’s the same reason I watched the whole “Matrix” Trilogy.  I had seen the first two, and, though the second was infinitely worse than the first, I still had to see it through all the way to the end.

And to all of those individuals who have aligned themselves with Teams Edward and Jacob, I’m on a different team: Team USA.  Stick that in your smoke and pipe it.     

"I know someday, I will find this destiny, this journey of mine ..."

We are just about two months away from the premiere of IMPROV the MUSICAL - an original production by the Utility Players. Improv the Musical will be showcased as part of Artown in the Siena Ballroom July 29th. We created a facebook fan page for the show so that people can stay up-to-date about photos, show information, video clips, and more. Make sure to click this link to find us on facebook. Otherwise check out the IMPROV the MUSICAL page on our website for all the information.

A sports store—we’ll call it Large 4 Sporting Goods—is my place of employment, and has been for my entire time in college, going on four years. It’s a marriage of convenience; I get paid next to nothing, but at least the time I have to spend with it is flexible, because a man has priorities. One rule the store has is no beards. In fact, no facial hair at all besides moustaches. I have never understood this rule, and I try to weakly protest it at every turn, just to add a little spice to my work day. “You know what? I’m not gonna shave today! It’s a Sunday, so everyone who comes in is a heathen who should be in church. What should I care what they think about my attempt at a 5 o’clock shadow?!?!” These are the insignificant battles which rage within my head on a daily basis. If someone posh should come in, my only hope is that my small patch of hairs that are too far away from each other, which seem to show falsely that I reached puberty mere days before, will make me look debonair and rugged. Like Russell Crowe without all the phone-throwing. But why moustaches and no beards? No wonder my former boss looked like a former ‘70s porn actor. That huge hairy caterpillar would stare at me every time he spoke, which, along with his overall stupidity and ignorance, would cause me to tune out and miss everything he said. He was a man who called Native American Indians “a bunch of drunks.” I do not miss him at all, and fantasize about punching him full in the face whenever he comes in looking for camping equipment to share with his no-doubt miserable wife and bitchy daughter.

But I digress. The store is located within a shopping center that includes a Dollar Store and a CVS pharmacy. Seeing as how I am in retail and the realm of customer service, to a certain point I can identify and empathize with other retail workers, even in other stores. But I draw the line with the employees of the Dollar Store and CVS. I often wonder if Dollar Store workers actually make a dollar an hour (since this would fit with their business model), because the overall apathy is palpable as soon as you walk in. The biggest steaming pile of ridiculous is not their attitude; it is the lack of open cash registers at any given point. The Dollar Store, what with their canned goods and large boxes of Gobstoppers for a mere 100 cents, gets to be a busy place. So when I walk up with a dollar ready in one hand and a Mountain Dew Code Red in the other, I expect this will be an in-and-out, snatch-and-grab job. What results is an ordeal of “National Treasure” proportions. People grocery shop at the Dollar Store. I realize this is more common now with the economy how it is, but PEOPLE GROCERY SHOP AT THE DOLLAR STORE. This is something I can’t get over. Especially when I have four people with carts filled to the brim in front of me, all I have is one item, and there’s only ONE LANE OPEN. For the love of Betty White, please open another one, perhaps two, Dollar Store employees. Otherwise my ten-minute break will turn into a lunch, and a fu**ing Mountain Dew Code Red isn’t too filling.

The same happened at CVS this past Monday. I went in with the relatively simple and easy goal of getting blank CDs for making kick-ass mixes of Midnight Oil and Paul McCartney. I was met with a locked glass case, a 5-dollar pack of 5 CDs staring tantalizingly at me from behind the clear material. Other expensive technological instruments were there too, but why the blank CDs? Was someone going to steal the whole lot of them, with the goal of returning home and making pirated copies of Transformers 2? I’m not sure, because I have not a member of the criminal element, and don’t let any muffled cries from my basement convince you otherwise. I looked around and there was a cute checkout girl helping 8.5 people laden with stuff, and I walked a ways to find an old codger talking on the phone in the slot machine section. A slot machine section in a pharmacy. This is Nevada.

So I tell the cute checkout girl my dilemma, and she says it will just be a minute, and she calls customer service the Expensive Technological Instruments and Blank CDs Section, and five long minutes later I’m still staring through the glass, wishing I was Harry Potter at the zoo in the first book, and just make it disappear. Despite having another 8.5 customers, I make eye contact with the cute checkout girl and she hurries over to unlock it, making me feel kinda like a douche, but now I have my CDs, so my guilt goes away. I get in line behind 5.25 people laden with stuff, my small package of blank CDs grasped tightly and there remains the one line. A guy who looks like he follows Large 4’s ‘moustache but no beard’ policy, wearing a tie connoting his managerial status, calls another cashier over to help the overflow, a skinny, frazzled blonde whose name I imagine is Patience. She asks “Can I help the next customer in line?” Everyone looks at each other. I am roughly fifth in line, an older Asian woman is fourth, and two middle-aged women are third and second. No one goes for a full five seconds, so I say “Okay then,” and step up to the counter where Patience impatiently awaits. She looks down at her keyboard, makes a few strokes, looks up at me, and says plainly “That other lady was next in line.” Thanks for making me feel like asshole, Patience. I look behind me where the Asian lady nervously grasps her shopping basket and I do a dramatic wave with my arm as if I’m introducing the First Lady at a state dinner and she smirks and goes ahead of me.

Bottom line: if CVS would have two to three lines going at any given time, I wouldn’t have to be so opportunistic, or, as some might see it, an asshole. I am normally a patient person, but waiting ten minutes to buy one item is annoying. You gotta read your customers, CVS and Dollar Store. As soon as the line gets long enough to where passersby think you’re waiting for Lady Gaga tickets, OPEN ANOTHER REGISTER. That is all.

Here is the newest podcast episode from the Utility Players discussing the topic of reality TV. Here is the description host Ian Sorensen provided for the episode:

"In this week's episode of AWKWARD MOMENTS, Irene from the Real World: Seattle didn't leave the because of Lyme's disease, the hosts of Wipe-Out are idiots, and Amanda would boff Flava Flav. Also; a whore apologizes to Sandra Bullock, Ian likes whores fighting over Bret Michaels, Shane auditioned for the Amazing Race, and Kate Gosselin goes on ET ... but not as a a subject"

This week's episode featured the usual cast of Ian Sorensen and Amanda Alvey co-hosting the podcast with special "guest gays" Christopher Daniels and Shane Tolomeo. The four put their heads together as they discussed growing up and watching TV during the peak of the reality television era, their favorite reality tv shows, and the affects - both positive and negative - that reality television has brought to society. Many issues, topics, and experiences that were marginalized or otherwise silent were sometimes given a voice their reality television. People explored cultures, lives, experiences, and jobs without having to leave the comfort of their homes. We live for the thrill of routing on certain personalities to win - or in some cases not win - competitve reality tv shows and secretly get excited when we see that someone else's reality is worse than our own. Whatever your opinion on reality tv, undoubtedly this phenomenom has shaped pop culture forever.

Stayed tuned for more podcast episodes in the future. Let us know what you think or if there is any topic you would like the Utility Players to discuss.

The Utility Players have been trying different marketing tactics to promote upcoming shows. After the success of our "Let it be" coffee shop invasion we decided to put on a long discussed but never brought to fruition guerrilla improv tactic - a SUPER SMASH BROs epic battle scene. The players decided that they were going to meet up at University of Nevada - Reno's campus, dressed as different characters, and on the lawns in the middle of campus duel it out. Brandon Iron showed up as Link, Shane Tolomeo as the fiesty Mario, Ian Sorensen as the slightly taller Luigi, Joe Garton as the puffy Kirby, and Miss Ginger Devine as the usually ineffective Princess Peach.

The scene was that Link would sit down in the middle of the sidewalk and start playing his Ocarina - and yes he had the official Ocarina from the game and knew how to play it - and Mario would walk up and bump into him. Then, other characters from across campus would come flying in to join the fray. Princess Peach who had been sun tanning herself at the time was the last to join in the battle.

There were body tackles, parasols flying, drop kicks, and a lot of heavy breathing - we decided collectively to get into better shape for the next battle. When the dust settled Princess Peach was victorious for both rounds of the battle - who saw that one coming?

The tactic, aside from being really fun, was really effective. People were stopping and watching the battle, asking questions, grabbing fliers, and Princess Peach even got a few cheers and hollers from passersby. We were primarily promoting our 2ND ANNUAL 420 SHOW - which is tonight at 7:30pm at the Laxalt Theatre - 401 West Second, behind the UNR Nelson building. Admission to the show is $6 but grab a coupon from one of our great sponsors to get a dollar off. You can grab a coupon at Hippies, Art Dogs & Grace, and Melting Pot World Emporium. Hope to see you all there. Check out all of the photos from the battle in our PICTURE GALLERY.

The Utility Players are getting geared up for the 2nd annual 420 celebration happening tomorrow night at 7:30mpn at the Laxalt Theater in downtown Reno. The Utility Players are pulling out all of the stops for show celebrating everyone's favorite lady in green. We are incorporating some brand new improv games into the show as well as playing some of our crowd favorites. The Utility Players are also taking full advantage of the space and are writing some sketches for the show tomorrow.  The show will also feature stand up sets from two of the funniest comedians in Reno - Christian Reyes and John Ager.

Prior to the show make sure you check out all of the amazing 420 deals at our sponsors locations. Our three major sponsors for the show are Melting Pot World Emporium, Art Dogs and Grace, and Hippies. For instance, Melting Pot World Emporium is celebrating 420 by offering 20% EVERYTHING in there store. Here is a link to view the facebook event page for the sale. After you have had a productive day of retail therapy, take a load off and enjoy a HIGH-larious comedy show with voted one of Reno's best comedians.

Admission to the show is $6 - but if you go visit one of our sponsors and make a purchase you can receive a coupon for $1 off you and a friend's admission price. Hope to see you all there!!!

For a while now, the Utility Players have wanted to do some form of guerrilla improv – a term to describe going to a public space, breaking out into an improv scene, and then fade back into the environment as if nothing had happened. We performed our first instance of Guerrilla improv as a troupe and here is an inside account to what happened. I had never done Guerrilla improv before but Joe came up with this great idea to take the song “Let It Be” and rewrite it to talk about comedy. We planned to meet up yesterday to learn the reformatted song, and then strategically place ourselves in Bibo's Coffee Company. Joe would enter Bibo's, dressed up in this hippie outfit, come up to me while I was waiting in line to order some coffee and start a very loud & over-exaggerated conversation to begin the scene. At that point he would break into song, and one by one we would all join in a resounding chorus of “Comedy” and pass out fliers to our upcoming BIG GAY COMEDY show.

To save I was a little nervous is an understatement. I always get a little nervous before a show or performance begins, but once I start I zone out to another place and forget what I am even doing some of the times. However this was different. When you have a show, people who attend are expecting & anticipating a show and are ready for it. This is foisting a performance upon people who didn't know it was going to happen and might not be pleased that it was put upon them. I was running on pure adrenaline as I entered that coffee shop and saw the other Utility Players placed throughout the coffee shop. A million things were running through my head, but primarily it was “omg omg omg omg I see Joe out of the corner of my eye omg omg omg omg he's starting to sing omg omg omg what is my line again omg omg omg and GO!” It turned out amazingly, people really enjoyed it and we even saw a few people taking out their camera phones and filming us – who knows we might end up as a status on somebody's facebook wall.

The hardest part of the whole experience was when the song was over, we had to completely drop the scene and pretend as if it had never happened. At the song of the song, Joe offers to buy me coffee and so there I am standing with Joe dressed as a hippie as I am perusing the menu trying to figure out what to order without laughing myself silly. Check out the video from our first Guerrilla improv attempt and stay tuned for more!!!

Post written by general Manager Christopher Daniels

The Utility Players just recorded the first episode of their NEWEST podcast called "Awkward Moments". Whether it is farting while in line at the bank or asking a plus-sized woman when her baby is due, we have all encountered awkward moments in our life. The podcast is a random hodgepodge of personal anecdotes, pop culture news stories, and politically relevant topics. Hosted by poised and incredibly articulate Ian Sorensen and the hilarious Amanda Alvey, this first episode also has Utility Players Shane Tolomeo and Joseph Garton. Here is a brief description of the podcast from host Ian Sorensen:

Texas wants textbooks to be more conservative, bi-polar teachers drop the F-BOMB, and Kumar left House for the White House and now he is leaving the White House for White Castle ... and Disney may be involved. Also, Shane's great at math and country music is a major cultural movement.

Stay tuned for next week's episode of the podcast featuring indepth analysis and examination of the world of reality TV.

The Utility Players are performing at 7 on West @ West Street Market at 7:00pm. The Utility Players, a live version of Whose Line is It Anyway?, are breaking out their best and favorite improv games in this high energy comedy show. The show is featuring special guests Christopher Daniels, Amanda Alvey, and Ariel Lea. This extremely interactive show incorporates audience participation to make sure audience members are building a show they want to see. 

So make sure to come see the funniest comedy show in town featuring some of Reno's favorite comedians and performers. Admission to the show is $6. Make sure to get there early and enjoy a drink at 7 on West. Hope to see you all there tonight!